Friday, July 29, 2005
now i know.amusing.. really amusing. i came to a realization.. the biggest difference between us and how we handle and accept things. things that i've given out. things that i've so called invested in. attachment. that's the word. spiritually.. emotionally.. i'm too attached.
anyway anything that's excessive is not good. there should be nothing in this world that we can't live without except God. funny how sometimes we try to find so many excuses to cover certain things in your heart.
yah i've found my root issue hahaha.. hmmm... *pondering and wondering*
that was a good talk with susi. went for another movie on tue, i managed to persuade her or you can say forced her to change her mind from watching the island to sin city instead (some said i bully her hehe) well anyway she didn't regret it. the movie's really not bad.. interesting.. and somehow it feels good to be above 21 =p
spent another night at mei's house again.. we made love confession to the wrong person (so paiseh.. i shall not elaborate) but it's really amusing.. laughed our heads off. mei has been such a kuai sheep hehe.. and once again we're reminded of a word - 'care' yup!
trying hard to fix my icon-less msn settings, don't know what's wrong with it.
alrite it's coming to the end of the week.. can't wait for the magic show tmw.. wonder how lame erm i mean entertaining it will be =p well as long as the newbies are having a great time.. of course with the fellowship and the word as well.
speaking of the word.. my verse of the day:
So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. In that day you will no longer ask me anything. I tell you the truth, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.
have i asked?
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Tuesday, July 26, 2005
felt like ages.. it's been raining a lot these few days that i couldn't even have a proper jog, so decided to stay at home more, indulging in anime, fried chicken and chocolates.. oh man the rain must stop soon as i am really turning into a balloon now. charls has gone back to switzerland, it will take another few more years before i can see her again. talked to her on fri, it's just.. amusing. i know that wherever she is, she'll still have a heart for God ^^
met germs in the evening, she's wearing pink.. with make up.. and smiles all over.. alrite she's no longer bitter gourd like last time hahaa... ehem anyway we went to the worship nite together, well of course i saw the rest of the group there also. can't really remember the whole night, but there's one thing in my mind 'i won't give up, never' yah especially after i heard something about my ex-shepherd. hrrmmm...
had a relaxing sat, after staying a while for the ess and heard a lot of "remember.. 9 pm.." i went to cine to meet wenjun and eugene.. this is very funny.. sat afternoon is a very strange timing to watch a movie. anyway we decided to watch fantastic four instead of sin city for certain reasons.. the movie's ok la.. hmm.. quite entertaining but.. well anyway after that we walked back to nexus for ss, received an inspiring sermon on faith.
apart from spt, cg and short tea-time at isle cafe (cos we're broke), i spent the rest of my weekend (day and nite) diving into the half blood, disastrous ending.. shirls kept making this booo hooo and miew miew noises to express her mourning over errmm someone's death. anyway, great book.
thanks to jus, i've finally managed to watch basilisk, another great anime. shirls said i'm an addict, but i think i'm not that bad compared to daniel n his naruto hahahaa... oops.
oh well enough with all the entertainment. we're glad that the two ess are over, many converts.. yah hundreds i suppose. all the hard work.. working together.. gosh it really meant a lot. thank God for everything..
i had this really funny situation going on last nite, well but more or less solved already. i think i need some anger management, suffered from nightmare when i didn't sleep in peace. there are still things in my mind.. lots lots.. but if i can take eugene's verse of the day -
"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior...."
Isaiah 43:2-3
well.. with such assurance, do i still need to worry about anything in this world?
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Thursday, July 21, 2005
since ps ben announced his blog, i've seen many other resurrected blogs as well. it's really interesting especially when i was wondering if i should close mine down. well anyway do check on ps' blog, it is inspiring indeed. what have i been doing? went to baybeats on sunday, the crowd's giving me headache, music's not bad but personally i didn't really enjoy the trip. last year was better.
went to jog again on monday nite, it felt really good. pity that they off the lights when i still wanted to run a few more laps, maybe i should have gone there earlier.
tuesday was an interesting one, got to know more about holy communion aka event ceremony ministry. the combined training by dasmond was a fruitful one, clarified and learnt some new things. he gave me a new title, well actually for each congregation' team hope leader, "service manager" it is. i almost fell down from my chair haha... sounds funny.. katarina said it's a promotion for me. hmm more things in my mind...
anyway i couldn't agree more when he closed the meeting with 2 things.. first is to remind us how important holy communion is, it's a sacred thing that we really have to honour and treat it with respect even in preparation and washing... second is about how important the ppl in the ministry are, though working behind the scenes all the time, cutting bread, pouring syrup, washing cups.. you may be invisible to us but never to God. thank God for all of you.. seriously.
mei came to my place again last nite, heard a few amusing things. she gave me some pointers for the guitar after that. gotta change my old bad habit in strumming =p
and i've finally had the talk that i've been wanting to have with susi on phone as well.. all those rattling and babbling for more than an hour .. haha have to thank God for the invention of ear-piece, made it more bearable for me. nah should be thank God for susi for bearing with me. heh.
to do list:
- jog again tonight
- practise what i've learnt from mei.. before i forget
- worship nite tmw. you should go too.
- movie on sat? waiting for wenjun's confirmation, all the best for him as the movie organizer this time ^^
so far.. my fave cg photo ^^
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Tuesday, July 19, 2005
the terrible weather outside more or less can describe the weather in me these few days. i have been having so much thought in my mind that it's starting to give me headache. for those who know me well should know that i'm a dreamer, a thinker, a person who can look at the sky or sea or just a plain wall for hours and think. i think when i jog, i think on my bus journey, i think as i lie down on bed, i can't switch my mind off. i think i know what my problem is.. i think too much.this morning God reminded me again of His faithfulness.
i can't control the weather outside (which getting on my nerves) but i can control my own weather. i remember the breakthrough seminar. i want to be a warrior, not worrier.
i am a real human after all, not one of the teletubbies. but i want to work this out with God. for sure.
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Friday, July 15, 2005
the week has been very very slow. dad came on monday, had a good dinner as usual.
went to mei's house on tue, bloated with chips and yoghurt.. realized that i have gained weight again, geez i have really become very fat. after some talk here and there, she taught me guitar ahahah.. gotta improve.
trimmed my hair on wed, ok actually can't see much difference. met dewen, germs and shirls for dinner at cartel. germs said that it reminded her of central hq days.. ya probably. she told me about her recent dream of certain ppl >_< now i'm holding another secret of hers, can blackmail her again =p
went down to nexus for ess rehearsal last night, the video is just well done (pat jus' head) but i wished the ppl in mm room did not laugh so loud everytime my pics came out -_-
mei played well ^^ been improving a lot every day indeed..
the stage is all set, what left now is for the non-believers to come, enjoy, listen and be touched by God. praying for big harvest and i know it will be done. ya it's a very important ess.
many ppl promised me at least one thing this week or before.. guys.. better keep your promises ok. i'll remember =p
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Thursday, July 14, 2005
received an email this morning and decided to post it instead- you have to be really patient reading this long entry ^^Testimony of God's transformation and testing of faith (by Neo Wan Che, Anna)
Good morning church, my name is Wanqi or Anna from NG2C2. Presently I am a special school teacher teaching children with autism. Today, I am here to testify about God's transformation in my life. Christian life is a life of testing of faith. Just like Abraham who was tested to give up Isaac, his only son, I was also tested to give up the "Isaac" of my life which is my family.
Since last year 6/8/04, my mum was diagnosed with a cancerous tumor between the chest and gastric area. I remembered that day vividly because my school was having National Day celebration. God is a good God. He knows what happened to my life and He wants to help me. Strangely that day, a brother (his name called Eugene Chong , my ex-sheep in the Youth) whom we seldom keep in contact, suddenly messaged me asking how I was. After settling down my feelings of confusion and devastation, I only replied him that something happened to my family. To my amazement, he replied saying that as he was spending time with God that day, God suddenly revealed to him my name in his mind and God prompted him that something has happened to me. Knowing that, I told him about my mum's condition and asked him to pray for us.
Because we were only given the report by the hospital through a computer print out on my mum's diagnosis, we went to seek second opinion through my family doctor. My family doctor helped us to made appointment with a cancer specialist at a private hospital on the 10/8/04 (which is my birthday). That day having to be with my mum, the specialist did another biopsies test on my mum. Looking at the gastro-scopic result, the specialist told us that the result was fatal. The specialist asked us to come back on 12/8/04 for the laboratory test result to confirm my mum's cancer stage. Because the cancer tumor is growing between the chest and gastric area so it is not advisable to do a surgery as it will be a complicated and also involves high risk.
As my family did not have any one having cancer before, so this is a new thing to me. I was really troubled by knowing the result and did not know what to do. As I prayed and seek God, He prompted me to listen to the sermon preached by Rev. Glen and the message of the day is John 11:40, "If I believe, I will see the glory of God." On the 12/8/04, the laboratory test was out and the report showed my mum's cancer was at the last stage and based on the specialist's experience, he estimated my mum only left 9 months to live..
That day, I was studying in NIE, after seeking God for direction, He prompted me to fast the Esther's fast (meaning 3 days without food and water) because from 12/8/04 to 14/8/04 it was three days before we go for the healing service at Trinity Christian Centre. It was really a great challenge to me because I had never tried fasting 3 days without food. But of out desperation and love for my mum, I did it together with my other sister in my family. I also mobilized other Christians to fast and pray for my mum's salvation and healing.
As I fasted and prayed, God reassured me 2 more times that "If I believe, I will see the glory of God." One time is through a book which I was prompted to buy on 13/08/04 and also another time was at the healing service. Initially, I thought the glory of God was that my mum would be healed at the first healing service and then my whole family will be saved. But God's plan and purpose is higher than our plans. My parents did convert on the first healing service, however my mum's healing is not immediate.
As the days went by, my mum has to be treated with chemotherapy. Till now, she had gone through 6 rounds of chemotherapy. Seeing her suffer from the side effects of chemotherapy, I lost my faith in God's promise and became depressed. I was just like Peter who walked on water and because he started to look at his situation, he sunk. In fact, God is so good that He never let us go. I brought my mum to all sort of healing services subsequently, because I still wanted my mum to be healed. God in His grace slowly revealed the motive of why I wanted my mum to be healed. In fact, my first intention was to run away from my responsibilities to take care of her as I am the only one not married in my family. God had to deal with that character flaws I had.
God is not only a God who heals our physical body but He is more interested in transforming us totally. I was really tested in every area. Emotionally and mentally I was so stressed with so many fears. The fear of losing my mum, the fear of losing my job (as it is required for me to pass NIE before we can continue to be a special education teacher) and the fear of loneliness (as I am still single and available) were great. Physically I was abused by a student I had too. Spiritually I felt God very far though I prayed, fasted, and even put the word of God to sleep, but I still could not overcome my depression. My house was also robbed.. Because of all these trials, suicidal thoughts were constantly on my mind. Knowing that I cannot handle, I decided to go for counseling at Agape counseling centre and subsequently I was medicated and diagnosed as bi-polar syndrome by the psychiatrist. From day one till now, though I was faithless, God is faithful. God knows me very well that the root cause of my depression is not from the trials I faced but a spiritual bondage I had. I was devoted to a god in a medium house as god daughter before I convert to be a Christian. I did not know I need to renounce when I converted. Subsequently as I served God, I harbored bitterness against people especially my shepherds or leaders. That is why I cannot overcome my depression even I tried my part to do whatever I could. I was contemplating to leave church and God too.
However, God continually sent help to me. Everyday, I will receive a scripture message from a colleague, there are also friends from the other churches who ministered to me. My view of the body of Christ was expanded throughout these periods. Even my classmate (Pauline) in NIE is from Hope too. She and other Christians classmates helped me with my studies and constantly were praying for me. The final breakthrough came when I responded to an altar call in the "Seasons of life" seminar taught by Charmaine. She and Rosaline (my UL) spent 2 sessions to go through the bondage breaker, steps to freedom in Christ. The first session I was told by her to write down at least 5-10 blessings per day and to meditate on Psalms. At first, I did not believe in my heart that there can be so many blessings in a day. However, because I really want to come out of my depression, I decided to do so. God is so good, after the first round of deliverance, I really had received 5-10 blessings everyday and all of them were spirit led..
Spiritually, I finally understood what it means to rest in the love of Jesus and His love is unconditional. 10 years ago when there was a prophet who came to our church, he prophesized that the devil hates me, I got the strength that bothers him. The prophet also asked me to pray for my hands for the gift of healing. I did not understand then, but now I understood. My parents' conversion had made a great impact in my family, relatives and friends. For many years, it had been my burden to reach out to all the people I know especially my family and relatives. My mum's side effect of cancer is also minimum. Though she had 6 rounds of chemotherapy, her hair is still around. She is only thinner. My parents now are committed to the mandarin church and started to serve God. They even started to tithe and give building fund too. They even are willing to open up our house for care group or even international brothers and sisters to stay in our house. Personally, because I had overcame depression, I can minister to people who are depressed. Not only that, God used me to pray for them to be delivered out of depression. Right now I can even intercede and inspire the rest of the intercessors to pray for church to have more breakthroughs. Thank God for using me to pray for people who are sick and I am also seeing those people healed progressively. I also had breakthrough understanding that Jesus not only came to save our sins but also to heal us. There is healing power in part taking the Holy Communion.
Recently, I just had my NIE graduation. I was so surprised that I managed to get the best results for the last semester of my studies though I had to repeat 1 more module and I was suffering from depression on top with so many trials too. I even got credit for my studies. Financially, God also provided business opportunity for me to do in future and I am able to be anointed to teach these children with autism. I am also seeing my mum progressively healed and my family relationship built stronger and closer. God also revealed to me the root cause of my mum's cancer which is a generation curse. I also built many stronger friendships with people around me.
There are just too overwhelming of blessings that I have received. I know that without God I cannot be what I am today. His grace is sufficient for me. I just want to encourage people who are going through trials and temptations to continue to believe God for breakthrough and persevere on. For the shepherds or leaders who are ministering to depressive people, please continue to believe God will deliver them and to love these people unconditionally. I really thank God for providing friends, care group brothers and sisters and family members especially my younger sister, Peijin to support me throughout my depression. Freely I received from God and others, freely I give to others. To end off my testimony, in Psalms 30: 5, "For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime" Hope that this will encourage you. Thank you.
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Tuesday, July 12, 2005
i feel like closing this blog down and go back to my good old diary book.. those with real pages.. hidden well.. i can be more real there where only God knows my heart >< not that i'm being fake here...hmmmm or maybe i can keep both.
feeling very S now.. not small but the 'DISC' S .. and i am totally in love with 'i simply live for you'
not many songs can move me but this one does mean a lot.. at least to me..
anyway i am so satisified with my new specs, loving it. i just have to make sure that i won't step on it like what i did to the previous one.
got myself a free lcd monitor and i feel so indebted to tbk now hahah.. man i really have to learn from him, blessed to be a blessing, and this is not the first time. ok la dun wanna embarrass him further =p but will return this favour one day, maybe buy him a piece of land in indonesia as he wished..
but seriously it is true.. it's a joyful thing to give things to others, not just material possessions but also mental support, acts of service, spiritual addition. it's better to give than to receive. but of course with wisdom ^^
(esp for naruto fans) check this out >> grief and sorrow - naruto ost 3
unbelievably beautiful.. what a piece of music.. (T_T)
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Thursday, July 07, 2005
geez i am so angry.. wanna vomit blood *_* my line is terminated and it's not even my fault!!! aaarghh.... feeling very victimized..
ok here's the story. my starhub is registered under xiaowen's name, and apparently there's another girl who's registered under her as well. she's actually used to be in our group (the old YS) who left God quite long time ago, not sure where and how she is now.
anyway she didn't pay her bills for months and now it's outstanding for more than $600!! so the heartless starhub terminated her no and MY NO since we're under same account.. how can this be??? here i am.. with no outstanding payment at all yet terminated as well!!
she's nowhere to be found and i need my line back asap so i just cleared her debt first. xiaowen will pay me back (and i really pity her for this whole situation) but i still have to pay additional reconnection fee for myself.. why must i spend all this money? i hate irresponsible people.. seriously. i think God is moulding me again..
aarrggh i think i'm going to kill that girl.. but i guess i must exercise more love and mercy.. think again, how God endures all of us unlovable ppl.
so folks, now you know the reason why i haven't been replying your messages..
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Tuesday, July 05, 2005
well done livi.. you made the right decision. not what i want but what i should.heh life is just interesting.. God is so interesting.
***
hmm last nite went for another sakae session with shirls plus 'war of the worlds'.. on my tab. guess it's just one of the few days that i feel generous haha.. anyway the movie's not bad though some parts are a bit.. errmm.. but overall i like it-
and yeah i had a good lunch today, cos roy whom i suspect feeling lonely asked me, bao, daniel and david who happened to be out for one. well it's definitely better than eating in my office alone ><
so many things going through my mind now.. i shall be off to my guitar-
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Monday, July 04, 2005
latest naruto's supporter, morning sunshine boy & me ^^
shirls n me brought my mum to mandarin ss today, that would be my second time going there and somehow the simplicity of the ss but yet really sincere ppl there moved me. what a group of joyful ppl regardless of their age. well but i have to admit that trying to focus on the sermon was a bit hard since it's in mandarin of course.
mum's still hesitating, but anyway it's one step closer to God =D
i rushed to cg after that, heard that they've almost torn the house down in games -_-
we did spiritual gifts test again, and man i've really changed here and there, but i think i got the result right. anyway we have to be faithful with it! nod nod*
walking around at far east is a very tiring activity
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Saturday, July 02, 2005
^^ went for dinner with my parents two days ago. we wanted to celebrate mum's bday so i went to fish n co-the glass house to chop a table first and waited for them while listening to this guy who performed quite well with his guitar i'd say. alas, i received a call from shirls saying that they have changed their mind of going there -_- anyway i managed to sneak out .. pai seh.. and we settled down at some chinese restaurant instead.
it's funny cos after the dinner, shirls and me pretended to go to toilet and bought a nice cake instead. i carried the cake (with a candle on it) all the way back to the restaurant after we came to terms that shirls is clumsier than me =p
anyway all in all it was great, mum's happy and we took some pics ^^
good look runs in the family...
yeah that's my dad ^^
i have to protect benny, my mum wants to throw him away cos he's dirty =(
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